


A Fortunate Coincidence

by PineTrain



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: F/M, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 17:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10541271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PineTrain/pseuds/PineTrain





	1. Chapter 1

Mabel parked her car in the space marked with the large, white text “Guest”. This college living complex was pretty strict from what Dipper had told her and she wasn’t about to deal with a towing company in these circumstances. That’s why she’d made sure to arrive around 10 AM. Most visitors would have left for their own classes so there were plenty of spaces open and, of course, Dipper didn’t have class until 1 PM, giving her plenty of time to catch him.

She’d already been in contact with his roommate the whole of the last week to figure out Dipper’s schedule to a T. A mutual friend of theirs from high school, he was more than willing to assist once he’d heard how long Dipper had been ignoring her. He was actually surprised at the situation since he’d remembered them as nearly inseparable in the past.

They figured it was related to Dipper’s breakup a few months back. It didn’t make a lot of sense that he’d be upset THIS long but he did always overthink things and he’d been dating the girl for two years. It was the longest he’d ever dated a girl by far so maybe he was taking it a little harder than his previous breakups.

Well, that was understandable, if a little odd for him. What wasn’t was the fact that he hadn’t spoken to anyone about it. Instead, he’d retreated into video games and the Internet. His roommate, at first, simply assumed Dipper had finally understood why he was so into MOBA’s and welcomed his friend’s newly shared interest. It was an unexpected choice for a mystery nerd more prone to books, but flashy and energetic games do invite a quicker escape from reality than letters on a page.

Mabel, however, was distinctly displeased by this turn of events. Dipper had always come to her after past breakups. Why wasn’t he coming to her after the biggest he’d ever had? She didn’t like him being unhappy and took a certain pleasure in cheering him up. Seeing that frown turn upside down was one of the most rewarding things she knew in life. Did he feel like he shouldn’t rely on her now that they were in college?

Again, that was understandable. Dipper always was trying to be as ‘adult’ as possible since they’d been kids. He’d made comments about being less reliant on Mabel for years, though he never really followed through on that. Regardless, his distance might hurt her, but it was acceptable if he asked for help from someone else. This was not what he was doing and that bothered her.

Also, he was being a complete buttface about all this. Mabel wasn’t even pressing him about the girlfriend nonsense. All she did was try and text or call or message him online the way they always had whenever they were separate for whatever reason. Simple things like “Hey, did you see that episode of…” or “Jeez, my psych professor gave us this assignment…” She just wanted to start a conversation and hear from him about anything, even something completely inane.

Instead, she got nothing. Dipper never answered his phone, never responded to messages or texts outside of one-word answers. He sure as hell never contacted her of his own volition. Yeah, he’d gone through some pain recently, but he couldn’t just say, “Haha, that was a good joke, Mabel!” or something stupid or literally anything with any substance at all?

Well, the threshold had been reached and Mabel wasn’t about to tolerate this buttfacery any longer. She missed her twin and was fortunate enough to have her Friday classes all canceled for a variety of reasons. This was her time to shine and drag him out of his funk; kicking and screaming, if need be.

It was going to be three days of hanging out. Just doing whatever they felt like doing. Watching TV, touring the city, sitting quietly and reading; Mabel didn’t care what it was, she just wanted to do it with him. Hell, she’d play one of his ultra nerd games that never made any sense to her. The important thing was that Mabel would get at least one day for every month he’d been ignoring her.

And so here she stood in front of his apartment door this Friday morning. She had wanted to leave yesterday afternoon so they could do a late dinner (he never ate at a proper time), but a friend had begged her for help with an art project so the best she could do was wake up at 4 AM and pound the Mabel Juice to make the six hour drive.

Worth it, she thought. There was plenty of time to nap after she’d crushed his ribs in the strongest hug she’d ever given. She still had at least an hour before her sugar high wore off, he’d have to dive out a window to escape her vengeful affection.

Mabel had already met up with Dipper’s roommate to get a key to the apartment. He wouldn’t be back until late in the evening with his classes and job. Dipper, though, didn’t have anything going on until his class in the afternoon. She’d have plenty of one-on-one time with him to sort out this jankiness.

Of course, Dipper did sometimes leave early to study in the college library. His roommate had assured Mabel that Dipper always made sure to catch the earliest bus back to the apartment once his class ended so he may or may not be inside the apartment. Didn’t matter. Either way she’d surprise him. If he was there, she’d jump out and scream “Surprise!”. If he wasn’t, she’d chill on his bed until he came back. She smiled at the thought of giving a confident smirk and a more casual “Surprise” while he stuttered in confusion upon entering his room. Yeah, it’d be more fun to go that way.

Crossing her fingers, Mabel leaned her ear against the door to listen for any noise on the other side. Nothing. She shoved the key into the lock, silently chastising herself for potentially ruining the ambush with her haste if Dipper was just being quiet. Turning the key, she felt a twinge of pain in her fingers when it halted abruptly without the sound of a deadbolt moving. The fact that it turned at all meant she had the right apartment. The fact that it was unlocked meant Dipper was in there. He never left without locking the door behind him.

It was time to be extra serious about the stealth, Mabel figured. Leaning gently on the door, she slowly turned the doorknob and used her whole body to cautiously push it open, minimizing the noise of the breaking seal. A peek through the first millimeter of the growing gap showed a darkened living room, blinds drawn and lights off. She slipped in like a cat, opening the door as little as possible and grasping the inside knob to keep the latch open.

Mabel closed the door just as quietly with her hip and released the knob gradually. She reflected that it was a good thing she had a conscience or she’d be robbing people right and left. Shaking her head to focus on the more important task, she saw that the kitchen was also completely dark. Not really surprising since all that separated it from the living room was the end of the carpet and beginning of the tile; the light would have bled into the other ‘room’ if it was on. It did suggest that Dipper likely hadn’t even come out for breakfast. Weird, he was always so adamant about it being the most important meal of the day. Maybe he’d overslept?

To the left of the kitchen, a hallway led to the rooms of the tenants, Dipper’s at the very end. Mabel’s eyes narrowed at the sight of his door. Behind it lay her prey, completely unaware that Hurricane Mabel had landed these shores.

Walking with practiced expertise, Mabel approached the door with nary a creak even on the old floorboards under the hall’s carpet. Before she even arrived she heard shuffling inside the room. Looks like it was going to be a jump-scare surprise after all.

Filling her lungs as much as she could, Mabel thrust the door open and yelled “SURPRISE!” loud enough to shatter glass. That’s what her own eardrums were telling her in protest at least; the window just vibrated a little.

Her brother flailed in fright and the scream he issued could serve as a gold standard for little girls to aspire to. Mabel noticed a fleeting flash of neon green flop around with his left hand before he swung both behind his back. Whatever it was didn’t matter though, she’d been completely successful and was even more elated than she’d expected.

“Guess who’s here for three days of fun!” she ‘asked’ with a fist pump above her head.

Dipper didn’t respond. Instead, he looked aside with a very apparent frown.

After a minute of silence Mabel shifted uncomfortably. He was supposed to be happy to see her or yell at her angrily or, well, something. She didn’t expect that he’d be so taken aback he wouldn’t really do anything. She had been pretty sneaky though, and he had been pretty weird, even for him, the last few months.

Deciding it was best to just push on, Mabel closed her eyes in confidence and spread her hands out as she explained, “So Dippledy Doppedly, it’s been a long time since we’ve hung out, what with our colleges being so far apart, and I’ve been feeling a bit lonely.” She popped an eye half open, both to look accusingly at him and also to take note of the floor in case there was anything that would trip her up as she began to dramatically walk in his direction. “You haven’t even been responding to my calls or messages either, so it’s actually more like ultra lonely.” Stopping in front of Dipper, Mabel could tell he was ashamed since he still wasn’t looking at her.

“So I had an empty Friday and wondered what I could do with my three day weekend,” Mabel shrugged and looked at the ceiling. “Twinzapalooza! That’s what!” she answered herself with a smile and jabbed a finger in Dipper’s chest while punching the air again with her other hand.

He stepped back from the force but said nothing. Mabel stood in the same position for few seconds, trying not to show her confusion at the complete non-reaction she was facing. Bringing her hand down, she coughed into her fist awkwardly then crossed her arms.

Closing her eyes, this time with a furrowed brow, she tilted her head down and said, “Look, Dip, I know you’ve been having some trouble since you and your girlfriend broke up but I think it’d be a bit more helpful if you interacted with someone in person instead of on a game to deal with it. I know you aren’t talking with your friends here so your BFF wants to be here in case you change your mind about this silent treatment you’re giving everyone. If you aren’t ready to talk, that’s okay. But at least spend some time with me to get your mind off it for a bit. It’ll help you feel better.”

Mabel instantly felt a little guilty after that mini-speech. She’d originally come here mostly because she was annoyed he was ignoring her, however, she didn’t mean to chastise him. It wasn’t a disingenuous spiel exactly (she really was becoming more concerned now that she saw him acting like this), but it was something she’d constructed on the spot. He was clearly a lot more bothered than she expected. How had she not seen this? Surely she could have come up with something more convincing if she’d prepared better.

Finally, Dipper said something, “The game has helped a lot actually. It’s…distracting.” It was his voice technically, but it didn’t sound like him. It sounded old and exhausted. Not like their Grunkles who actually were old yet still explored the world with an energy that belied their age. It was more like a man on his deathbed, consigned to his ultimate fate. This wasn’t the Dipper who did things as simple as laugh at a cheesy movie or as grand as fight demons to save the world. He was even worse off than she’d thought less than 20 seconds ago. Something was very wrong.

Mabel suppressed a fearful shudder as she grew increasingly nervous about the road the conversation was going down. She fully opened her eyes and attempted a mischievous grin while she said a witty retort. But the grin didn’t form and the retort didn’t come. A mouth opened and closed without uttering a word.

Dipper had turned his head slightly and she noticed a sheen on his cheeks reflect the dim light with the shift. He wasn’t crying anymore, which was probably why she hadn’t noticed until he moved. He must have been recently though since the tears had barely dried.

“Dipper…?” Mabel asked, taking a hesitant step towards him.

He immediately retreated, bumping into the wall behind him. Bouncing slightly off it from the sudden movement, Mabel saw the green object rock out from behind his back. She was more focused now so she could tell that it was a rope. A looped rope at that, based on the intense curve of the few inches she could see.

“Ha,” Mabel laughed quietly. It was more an effort to try and release some of the tension straining her heart than anything resembling mirth. She tried to quirk a curious eyebrow, that desperate part of her mind hoping this was all some kind of misunderstanding. She had only just come in after all. Plus, even if it was a loop, there isn’t anything he could attach it to that could support his wei-

She was starting to feel a bit sick and couldn’t finish the thought. Dipper was normally the one who overthought things but she sometimes did too. This had to be one of those times. Her nausea didn’t go down because she knew it wasn’t true. She overthought things like the look a boy she was crushing on gave her. Stuff that was relatively simple compared to her brother badly hiding a looped rope after months of withdrawing from friends and family.

Her vision was getting misty. Mabel blinked the tears away and shook her head to try and clear her thoughts. She couldn’t look at Dipper just yet, so she settled her sight on his desk, unusually clean of his normal haphazard shuffle of papers. That gave her a momentary relief from her worry, the slight joy that he was finally being more organized, before she realized it was a mistake to look there. The desk had clearly been cleaned recently from the complete lack of dust. The only thing sitting on it was his laptop…and three white envelopes. One had “Mom & Dad” on it. Another had his roommate’s name. The last had hers.

Staring for a moment, she reached out to pick up the one with her name. She had a feeling she already knew what it said, but a distant hope screamed from deep in her soul that it might just be a recipe for cake or something. That logic didn’t make any sort of sense, even for Mabel. She wasn’t feeling terribly coherent right now.

“NO!” Dipper shouted. He jumped forward and flung out his hand to grab her wrist and stop her from picking it up. In doing so, he also accidently tossed the rope towards her. It slapped her arm and flopped flaccidly to the floor. She glanced at it, noticing it was a weird figure 8, one loop large and the other quite small. It certainly didn’t resemble the nooses she’d seen in Westerns like Grandpa the Kid or pirate movies like Privateers of the Mexican Gulf. This might’ve cheered her up if she didn’t strongly suspect the shape was some similar method to enact what that letter was probably apologizing for.

Mabel flicked her eyes back to his face. Dipper faltered, letting her go. He mumbled something inaudible and stumbled backwards. His foot caught in an errant pair of boxers causing him to slip. He fell against the wall, a loud *bonk* echoing in the room when his head struck it.

A faint smile came to Mabel’s face. That sound was legitimately funny and frankly when you are at rock bottom, you can only go up.

Except she hadn’t been at rock bottom. That came when she saw him crumple into a ball, holding his head not from any physical pain but from what he was looking at: The rope on the floor. He was just staring at it, his eyes growing duller by the second. Mabel had no idea what he was thinking, a fact that scared her more than even her most horrific imaginings. She was shivering, desperately blinking out the sight of what she might’ve found had she come just 20 minutes later.

But this wasn’t her time to suffer, she realized. That dull look, that tired voice, something had broken her brother badly. It didn’t matter why he hadn’t come to her for help before, she could be here for him now. She could cry or worry later, he needed someone to be strong for him. Walking towards him, she didn’t say anything. She simply bent over, reaching out to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder.

He rejected it. Dipper’s hand left his head to knock hers away as it came close. Mabel didn’t know how to react to this. He wouldn’t even let her touch him? Was there something she could say instead? There had to be SOMETHING she could do, right?

Her answer came in the form of a sigh. Finishing it, Dipper breathed deeply and sighed again. Rubbing his temples with his knuckles, he squeezed his eyes tightly shut and then he spoke.

“Can…can you bring me my phone? It’s on my bedside table.”

“Sure,” said Mabel.

It was like walking underwater even just taking the two steps to get there. A surreal journey impeded by some invisible force, like the world moved in slow motion. The weight of an ocean made even the act of picking up the device difficult. She certainly felt as cold as swimming in the Pacific.

Handing it to him, Mabel watched Dipper tap through his phone before holding it to his ear. She faintly heard a woman’s voice come through the speaker.

“Hey Dr. Calvin,” Dipper said, “How are you?”

A muffled response, followed by what sounded like a question.

“Um, well,” Dipper ran his hand through his hair, “I…er…I, um, I think I should…do that thing you suggested.” His voice fell quieter through the painful sentence.

More muffled words.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m safe. My sister’s here,” his eyes met Mabel’s for an instant. Then he looked away at nothing in particular.

The doctor spoke at length about whatever Dipper had brought up. Mabel was uncomfortable not knowing what exactly what it was they were discussing. She was glad to know that he was speaking with a doctor though. Of course, she wasn’t glad to find out he’d apparently been seeing a doctor without her knowing. Were their parents aware? Someone had to pay for that stuff, right? Maybe his school offered it for free. Hers didn’t but she’d heard of some bigger colleges that had free psychiatrist appointments for students.

Mabel scratched her arm at that thought. Psychiatry. That was what Dipper was dealing with for all these months. It wasn’t like she hadn’t suspected after all that she’d seen today. There was something about acknowledging that he had felt the need to meet with a specialist that made it more real though. She was glad he’d sought out some kind of help. She just wished it had been her.

Was that selfish? Could she even have helped him? If he was meeting a psychiatrist he might even have started some kind of medicine. She couldn’t help him with that. Mabel wasn’t sure which hurt more, that she hadn’t realized the gravity of the situation all this time or that she might be completely useless in even helping solve it.

She snapped out of her thoughts, her arm slightly hurting from the scratching, when Dipper spoke again.

“No, I don’t think I’m good to make it there. Can they pick me up here?”

The answer sounded affirmative. Mabel wasn’t sure though. Maybe she just wanted some kind of positive answer to any of the questions spinning around her.

“Okay, yes. I understand, thank you. Bye,” he finished the call.

Neither of them said anything for a while. Dipper ended the silence.

“I’m going to a hospital. Dr Calvin’s told me about it,” he gave a hollow laugh, “I was against it since all the movies make them look horrible. She says they’re different nowadays though so it shouldn’t be too bad. I dunno, maybe I could be like the Cuckoo’s Nest guy and cheer the other patients up.” He paused, then murmured, “You don’t have to visit. I probably won’t be there long and I know it’s a far drive for you.”

Mabel couldn’t hold back anymore. She grabbed him into the tightest hug she’d ever given. The one she’d been planning earlier paled in comparison. She actually might’ve broken his ribs from the crack she heard. He initially resisted her, trying break her grip with his shoulders, but she held fast, refusing to let go. Eventually he gave in and hugged her back as best he could with his upper arms stuck to his sides.

Unfortunately, the best he could manage was a remarkable example of what the word ‘feeble’ means. Not because his pinioned arms quickly fell limp from the awkward exertion. Rather, a floodgate had opened. Almost literally from how hard he started sobbing into her shoulder. Mabel stroked his back with one hand, sliding the other up to gently hold his head to her. She hoped this was soothing as she feared there wasn’t much else she could do.

It was only a few minutes later that he stopped crying, probably from sheer exhaustion. Mabel could feel his heartbeat thudding against her. She wanted to ask him a million things but was afraid that every single one could sound like an accusation. An implicit, unintended declaration that he had made her suffer. The absolute last thing she wanted to throw on him now. So she remained quiet.

After a few quiet moments, the doorbell rang out. Dipper pulled back, saying “That’s my ride.” Mabel watched him grab his backpack and dump it out, textbooks and notepads falling to the floor with an occasional pen. Muttering to himself, he picked up a relatively blank notepad and a few pens, tossing them back in. Looking around dully, he snatched a few fiction books and tossed them in as well.

Turning to Mabel, he said, “Can you go and tell the driver I’ll be there in a minute. I want to wash my face.”

The smile that followed was genuine. Barely the good kind though. Weak and pained, yet a hint of hope hiding behind it all. Mabel could fill that gap. Her smile was sad, but as she reached to hold his cheek she saw his grow just a bit. This doofus probably would add them together to make at least one full smile between the two of them and that was good enough for her. Especially when he leaned into her hand, sighing in a more happy way than his other sighs.

Dipper left her after that though, heading toward his bathroom. Mabel panicked and took a step, realizing his razor was in there. He stopped and looked at her. When their eyes met, Mabel regretted her distrust at the understanding gaze he gave her. Dipper wasn’t the type to betray someone’s trust now.

As he walked into the bathroom and she heard the sink turn on though, Mabel grew angry at that thought. He HAD betrayed her trust! What was this butthead doing thinking about suicide without even talking to me at all? Ugh! I could’ve helped!

She smacked her head and walked to the door. The 10 seconds to reach it were like an eternity as Mabel skated the line of emotions from anger to guilt. How could he do this? I shouldn’t be mad. Why’s he hurting THIS bad? I shouldn’t be so mad when he’s like this. I am though. Am I a bad person? A decade old memory of a unicorn gave her some respite as she remembered beating the shit out of someone for making her feel like that unfairly.

Mabel’s hand settled on the doorknob. Maybe she was bad to feel angry now. She would make it up though. Just by coming she’d saved her brother from…*hic*…She crushed her eyes closed to resist the tears, reopening them with determined fury. She’d make sure he got better. And then she’d find a foam bat and bonk him every time he got this janky. That was bad, but not the kind of bad she cared about. Acceptable bad, like beating up a lying unicorn.

The doorbell rang again. Nuts, Mabel though. She was taking a while to open that door considering the fact that she had her hand on knob. Whelp! She wiped her eyes and thrust open the door. “Heya!” Mabel said enthusiastically to the shocked man stepping back from the door.

“U-um,” he stuttered, “I, I might have the wrong place?”

Mabel regretted her action. Someone picking up a person for a mental hospital wouldn’t expect a joyful answer at the door.

“Er, I’m looking for a ‘Dipper’ Pines,” the driver said awkwardly. “I was told that’s what he goes by anyways. Have…do you know him? His actual first name is, uh, let me check…” The man took a phone out of his pocket.

“YEAH!” Mabel shouted, “I mean, yes, he’s here. I…” She halted because she didn’t even know what it was she wanted to say .

The man just smiled at her. He looked understanding yet uncomfortable. An odd combination, but there really is no way a stranger can comfort a person in this situation.

“Do you have a car? I can’t let you go with us, part of the rules,” he explained, “You can follow me though and be with him when we get to the…place…” He looked away with a frown. “And, er, I know it’s difficult, so I’m just going to wait in the van. It’s the tan one across the street. I’m the only one who backed into the space so it’s pretty obvious.”

He turned and left stiffly. His awkward gait was kind of cute. It reminded her of Dip-SHIT. Mabel’s mind exploded into full panic. Shit shit shit! She turned, closing the door without even intending to. How had she forgotten this situation for even a second? Shit, it’d been minutes since she’d seen him and he could’ve-

No. she thought. Dipper wouldn’t do that with her in the house. But he was about to do it when he thought you weren’t here, a voice whispered across her mind. That wasn’t her thought. It might have come from her, even sounded like her in that internal voice. It still wasn’t her though. She could trust him to be honest.

Mabel breathed in and out to calm herself. Walking towards Dipper’s room, she hesitated at his door. Maybe she needed another breath. The door opened suddenly though, surprising both Dipper and Mabel.

“Oh! Sorry!” Dipper apologized.

“N-no! It’s alright,” Mabel said.

Silence. Mabel found her initiative after a few seconds and stepped to Dipper, arms slowly bringing him into a hug. He gradually returned it and they remained there quietly for some time.

Eventually, though, Dipper pushed her away. “I have to go,” he said.

Looking down to his feet, he stepped a foot past her then stopped; Mabel turning with him. He reached over and grasped her hand.

“I’ll come with you to the hospital,” she said.

“How will you get back?”

“I can’t ride with you, so I’ll to take my own car.”

“Ah,” Dipper said, staying quiet for a short while.

Finally he spoke ”I don’t want you to come.” Mabel was about to protest when he continued, “Not at first, I mean.”

He faced her and took her other hand in his. “Mabel, I…I want you to read the letter I wrote first. Then you can decide if you want to come visit me.”

“What?” Mabel asked. Why wouldn’t she want to visit him? He’d’ve had to do something pretty bad for her not to visit him. Like crazy bad. Like mur-

Her speculation ended when he kissed her. Mostly soft with just a hint of roughness from his dehydrated lips, it lingered long enough for Mabel to feel all the pent up emotion he’d been hiding.

Oh…oh… Mabel thought after her surprise faded just as the kiss ended.

They looked at each other, Dipper’s face as red as hers felt. Mabel couldn’t read his expression properly. Probably embarrassment or something like it considering he suddenly had trouble meeting her eyes.

“Dipper…?” she asked, unsure what else to say.

“Read the letter,” he said, turning away and walking quickly to the door.

Opening it, he looked at her one last time, “I’ll, uh, text you the address of the hospital. But yeah…the letter.” Then he stepped out and the door closed. The sound of it closing prompted her to touch her lips. She looked at her fingers, then back at the door. This was…certainly a thing.

Mabel took a step towards the door then stopped. She touched her lips again. She’d get that text and could follow him then. She headed back to Dipper’s room. He’d asked her to read the letter and that was what she intended to do.


	2. A Gray World

Dipper poked at his food idly. The nurse had kindly gotten him some lunch after he admitted he hadn’t eaten that day. It didn’t look particularly appetizing though and he wasn’t hungry anyways.

Hopefully their other meals are better, he thought as he pushed away the styrofoam container and lay his head in his arms. The wall of the room wasn’t a terribly interesting sight, blank but for its neutral color. The visuals matched the food here apparently.

The silence surrounding him left him to his thoughts. It didn’t make much sense to leave someone coming in for SI alone in a room without doing more than taking his bag. He could’ve had a razor in his pocket for all they knew.

Not like he’d have used it now. He had come here willingly. Maybe that was why they were fine doing it. Maybe they were just stupid. Whatever. At least this debate gave him some distraction.

He missed the feeling of liquid courage he’d dranken that morning. The subtle tingle of its final, lingering effect was there, but it wasn’t enough to keep him up now as well the crutch it was these last few weeks.

The only reason that tingle was there was because he’d needed a bit more than normal to prepare for ‘that’. Hours had passed though and the fuzzy warmness had faded. It did linger though, the only good feeling he had right now besides…

He touched his lips and smiled besides it all. The kiss had felt every bit as good as he’d always imagined it would, circumstances be damned.

But he’d left without hearing an answer. He had run away. He had thought a letter would be good enough to explain why he’d done it. A letter that also apologized for killing himself over the feelings that made him kiss her.

He should’ve said something more! Why did he even kiss her at all?! The letter would’ve been enough if he hadn’t done that!

Though…she’d probably be sobbing over that letter if she hadn’t coincidently come just when he was about to start his attempt. It was like ice gripped his heart as his mind’s eye saw her holding his body, completely inconsolable after showing up late. He’d almost put her through that.

Gah, FUCK! Was he all the different kinds of jackass to just leave her like that. What was she even supposed to do with that info? Yeah, lemme just kiss her all romantic-like, ignore she stumbled on me about to attempt suicide, and then just bail on the whole situation! Brilliant!

The maelstrom of self-hate spun ever harder as he speculated on his foolishness. He shouldn’t have been too scared to go with his original plan. Out in the woods, deep enough that he’d be rotted before anyone found him. No, he’s gonna dump all this shit right in his roommate’s lap just as he dumps all this love bullshit right in Mabel’s. Damn, he was an asshole.

All roads lead to “I’m a bag of dicks”, Dipper thought with a sarcastic smile. The paradox of only feeling better by making himself feel worse was not lost on him.

A click of the door opening put a hard brake on his spinning thoughts. The pain and disgust at himself was still there, lightly scratching at his soul, but he had the clarity to recognize the real world again.

That brought several things to his attention. He’d been crying again, by his wet face and clogged nose. His temples hurt, apparently he’d stopped resting his head on his arms so he could drive his knuckles into them. Even his current emotional state shouldn’t have distracted him from this. Perhaps the alcohol was still affecting him more than he thought?

Dipper rubbed his face quickly to try and clean it as the door fully opened and his mother rushed in. She came to his side and grabbed him in a tight hug.

“Oh my little lamb! I came as soon as Mabel called. I…I…we’re…glad you’re doing what,” she paused to breathe a bit, “what you need to do to help yourself.”

It was clearly a rehearsed line, probably practiced along the road to cover the half-truth it contained. They weren’t glad he was doing this at all, and yet they were. How strange it must be to be simultaneously happy and sad about what someone does. It wasn’t too different from how Dipper felt about the kiss though.

The world started looking very gray. Perhaps even his vision had fallen to this halfway point of feeling. Or maybe he was just totally dull now, his emotions exhausted so much he couldn’t feel sad, happy, or anything between. This hug should elicit something from him, and yet he couldn’t care less about it.

All he felt was tired. Tired of all the secrecy and pain. Being unable to talk to anyone about it. Not even abstractly for fear that they might figure it all out. It had ruined his last relationship, though that had been fake to begin with for the same reason. Man, he really was just garbage.

Dipper finally returned his mother’s hug, slightly uplifted by the mental image of himself sitting in a can as the worker chucked him into the garbage truck. Weird how he knew he was seeing colors but they still looked gray. Fuck, he was even an asshole thinking about that bullshit while his mother was hugging him. It just never ends, does it?

The door opened again and the hug ended, though Dipper’s mother continued to watch him, stroking his hair. Mabel entered, bright as the shooting star she always was. Even in this gray world she couldn’t lose her color. She wiggled a bit of white out of her pocket for him to see before shoving it back in.

She smiled sadly and Dipper didn’t know what to make of it. It could mean literally anything. Even her being here didn’t mean she was okay with what was in that letter. The image of her holding his dead body came back and the world got a bit grayer.

Their mother kissed him on each cheek and then his forehead. “My little lamb,” she said, eyes teary, “we love you and will alway be there if you need us.”

Words meant to help only dragged him deeper into this hole. How could she offer this when he’d just tried to hurt them so much? It might not have been his intention, but it would have been part of the result and he had known that the whole time. Wasn’t that just as bad?

What insult hadn’t he used for himself yet? Not like it would hurt at this point, he just felt like being original. Why even care in a gray world where the only color comes from the very reason you’re in it to begin with.

Dipper felt tears again as he looked at Mabel, guilt racking him mercilessly. He just couldn’t get that image out of his head, her with his dead body. Fucking hell, he wanted a shot right now. That dwindling buzz from earlier was absolutely not enough to deal with this.

She was coming closer. Their mother stepped away and Mabel quickly embraced him in her place. Dipper would have thought that he’d hesitate at this but he immediately hugged her back. It felt amazing, and not even in those gross ways that brought him here. Just feeling Mabel as Mabel. Not sister or lover or whatever, just Mabel.

And yet the image still haunted him. He might never forgive himself. Even if his wildest dreams were true and she accepted his feelings, he would always remember this day. If she didn’t accept them…well, he didn’t know.

The hug ended, but the twins still held each other as their gaze matched. Mabel was smiling but Dipper could see despair in her eyes. He didn’t even know what his own expression was. Had even his sense of touch gone gray? Mabel still felt warm in his hands, but she held her color through everything else so that didn’t answer anything.

The door opened again and the nurse came in. “It’s time to go in, Dipper,” he said solemnly. Dipper nodded, leaving Mabel to stand beside him. They’d taken his backpack so he didn’t have anything to carry.

“But,” his mother whimpered, “his father will be here in an hour. Can’t we wait until he arrives?”

“I’m afraid not, ma’am,” the nurse apologized, “That’s too long and we need to run through a lot of entry procedures with him.”

“Well, can we at least come with him?” she asked.

“No,” the nurse said firmly, “Only patients and staff can go through the double doors.” His voice softened a bit, “Confidentiality, you see. Someone will be by to discuss visitation soon but I’m afraid this is when you’ll have to say goodbye for now. I’ll wait outside.” The man exited the room.

His mother rushed back over to hug Dipper again. She kissed his scalp over and over again as he felt wet drops land on his hair. Platitudes of love were given but all Dipper wanted was for this situation to end. They only made him feel even more guilty.

His mother’s hug finally ended and he saw Mabel come for her farewell. It was amazing how that shit feeling could just keep on growing, he thought when he saw her fighting back tears. Maybe if he’d done things differently, they wouldn’t be here doing this. Maybe if he’d come out to her things would’ve been okay. Maybe if he wasn’t such a freak he wouldn’t be thinking of maybes.

Goddamn, he was tired.

Even after the last one, it was surprising how quickly he returned Mabel’s hug. More like an instinct than a conscious decision. It was so gentle yet passionate at first, the latter feeling growing more and more as it tightened into a bone-crushing vise.

“I know. We can talk about it when you’re ready,” she whispered in his ear so no one else could hear. “But,” she added, “can you call me when you’re feeling a bit better? We can talk about anything, it doesn’t have to be about all this…”

Dipper sighed in relief, finally. The idea of just a casual conversation was so appealing right now. Maybe that road didn’t lead to him hating himself. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Mabel always was that beacon in the dark, no matter the circumstances. That was why he loved her so much.

He stood up straight to look in her eyes. He could feel his face again so he knew he was smiling. Even if it was weak, it was genuine. Mabel was smiling too, despite the rivulets of tears coursing down her cheeks. Dipper kissed her forehead, hoping that was answer enough because he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

He left her to open the door. Turning back for a last look, he saw her wrapped in their mother’s arms as they both watched him leave. He closed the door and nodded to the nurse.

As the man opened the double doors, Dipper sucked in his breath and followed. He didn’t know what was going to happen now. But he did know that Mabel didn’t hate him. There was still color in this gray world.


End file.
